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Realizations

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Something new and beautiful is sparking back to life inside of me. 
It is small, but strong, and determined never to be snuffed out again. 
Hello Hope, my old friend. 
I have missed you.

~Micki’s Musings 1/4/16~

I am now a statistic. I always abhorred the idea of being this kind of statistic. Honestly, that thought alone got me through some tough times. “I will NOT be a statistic. I will NOT be one of those people.” Super judgy, I know, but my truth in certain moments.

And now, here I am, part of a statistic of failure. I have employed the d-word. The word that I banned from my vocabulary the moment I said “yes” to the one person I thought would be the love of my life and part of my happily-ever-after. I am getting a DIVORCE. It’s all still very fresh and new. We are still in the midst of the negotiations, the custody arguments, the accusations, the not knowing what will happen next.

I am not made for this world I am living in right now. I detest conflict and avoid it at any cost. I do not thrive in drama and I do everything I can to play down and work through any drama that rears its ugly head in my life, even when it’s happening in my own home. All day. Every day.

But I’m learning there are people who only feel alive when there is drama. There are people who create drama when there isn’t any, because without it they have nothing to worry and obsess about and so nothing to live for. I am experiencing the kind of lawyers that people make jokes about because it’s hard to believe people actually do that for a living–try to destroy other people to make money. I’m learning that not everyone is smart enough to see through the lies and manipulation. I’m learning that some people don’t care what the truth really is, only that their voice is the loudest or the meanest.

I’m learning that some people like hurting other people.

I always knew this, but it was far away from me before in most ways. Yes, I was in a controlling and manipulative relationship, but I could trick myself into happy. I could convince myself that the gaslighting was true, that I was making it a bigger deal than it was, that I could be safe if I just let things be okay and let him have his way.

The thing about being married to someone unhealthy is that, in order to make things work, you have to be okay being unhealthy, too. And I was okay with it, for a long time. But I’m not okay with it anymore, and here’s the thing I discovered that was my first step toward freedom:

It’s okay to not be okay with it.

I don’t have to just deal with things being crazy All. The. Time.
I don’t have to let him talk to me and treat me that way to keep the peace.
I don’t have to play head games with myself to desperately try and find some way to trust him.
I don’t have to do any of it, at all, ever again.

I can be happy.
I can be free.

Wow. Someday I will be able to fully believe that. I can be happy. I can be free. It’s not here yet, but I know it’s coming, and I’m so, so excited to know it and feel it, too.

picture credit: http://bebeautifulyoucoaching.com/feeling-freedom/
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