I’m on a quest, of late. I’ve been delving into the depths of doctrine and discovering myself inside of it. (Nice alliteration there, eh? Just didn’t want you to miss it.) That is my quest, to find me. I want to know as much as I can about who I was before and what I am to become. This quest is filling up many of those pieces of me that sat empty for so long from mere spiritual and emotional exhaustion. Now that I am awakening, I am studying the doctrines of the gospel, searching the scriptures, reading the words of the modern day prophets with a hunger that I haven’t felt before. It’s like feasting in a banquet hall. Everyone else is there, too. We all have this delectable feast before us, and it fascinates me how so many of us still just nibble at the edges when there is so much there to fill us. So many others scrounge around on the floor, licking up crumbs that others have dropped when all we need to do is look up and make the effort to feed ourselves.
I understand being in that place, though. I understand being so world weary that all we have energy for is licking up crumbs. But it’s not okay to stay there forever. At least, for me it’s not. Others have their own journey to make, and I cannot stand in judgment of them because it’s not my place to do so.
But for me, there is a difference between understanding and accepting where I am in life versus making excuses to stay there.
This thought process stemmed from a couple of discussions that occurred during church today. Our Sunday school teacher posed a question about the sealed portion of the scriptures and why the prophets would have written them if we couldn’t read them. The answers were your basic “we’re not ready for them yet,” and “we don’t appreciate what we have, why would He give us more?” My thoughts turned to a conversation I had recently with my dad about personal revelation, and I felt prompted to give my opinion on the matter. My answer went something like this: “One of the things I love most about the gospel is the many layers of meaning it has. Each time we read the scriptures or attend the temple, we can discover more truth. Heavenly Father has covenanted with us that He will not keep truths from us that we are ready to receive. There are probably many people on the earth today who do know the mysteries that are contained in that sealed portion of the scriptures, as well as other truths they have prepared themselves to receive. It’s exciting that we have within us the potential to have all the knowledge the Father wants to give us, right now, if we exercise the faith and do the work to prepare ourselves to receive it.”
That’s the sound of everything I said either going over heads or in one ear and out the other. The “yeah, but” comments started up right after that. I heard the “Well, I know everyone else in here is so much more spiritual than me,” and “It’s all so overwhelming, and we need to just focus on one thing at a time” come rolling in. I’m new in the ward, so I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers just yet until I’ve established exactly what kind of crazy I really am, and I do understand where they’re coming from, but I very much wanted to ask these questions:
Why do we hold ourselves back under the guise of humility?
Why fear the magnitude of blessings that will come from throwing ourselves into the feast and gobbling up all that it has to offer?
I’ve been there before and I’m sure I will be there again with the self-deprecation and feeling overwhelmed. That’s why I’m documenting my current state of euphoria at the idea that I can have all that the Father has to offer if I’m willing to put forth the effort, so I can remind myself later of how good it feels to gorge myself on gospel principles, satiate my thirst with living water, and feast on the milk and honey of truth. I do not pretend to have received any kind of uncommon revelation or make any claims to a higher spiritual intellect than anyone sitting in that Sunday school class, but I am currently unwilling to make excuses that hold me back from finding out as much as I can about who I am, what God has in store for me, and any other tidbits that fall on my plate as I go along.
I write this to remind myself not to be tempted to make excuses to hold myself back now, or in the future. I am saying to myself, “Self, get off of facebook, put away the solitaire game, shrug off the anxiety, and get going! There are scriptures to be read, doctrines to explore, and potential to rise toward. Discovering truth is exciting, it’s fun, it’s rewarding, it’s necessary for you, for your kids, for everyone you influence in your life, now get a move on! There is way too much out there to learn. I don’t want to waste any more time.”
Thank you, Self. Here I go.