and such a relief.
Confusion, for me, is even more debilitating than fear. I recognize and know fear, and I know multiple ways to overcome it. But confusion, lack of understanding, throws me about and makes me dizzy. I’d rather feel anxiety than disorientation. This phase of my progress does feel a little more steady, however. At first, the highs and lows were too extreme. I felt like I could take on the world, and then like I could barely survive it. Things are beginning to even out a little more, now. I don’t swing back and forth as quickly and intensely. I’m also sleeping better and my appetite has returned.
Even though this part of our journey is more chaotic and terrifying than anything else thus far, I am working my way through. Steadily plodding forward, still fighting for my happy with laughter in my eyes. It’s not a maniacal bark of a laugh anymore, but more of a chuckle. An acknowledging nod that yes, life is dealing me blows, and they hurt me to my core, but I will not fall. The adversary has a powerful left hook, but in the end, I will be the one with the knock-out punch. I know this, because I am not alone in the ring.
I will rely on the One who has already triumphed over all, who has already overcome the world and the adversary along with it. To Him will I turn my eyes, in Him will I place my trust, on His shoulders will I rest my burdens, and into His hands–His strong, scarred, beautiful hands that were pierced and bled for me–will I place my children, myself, and even my husband. My Savior will fight alongside me, and, more often than not, He will fight for me. This is the reason I will absorb each and every sucker punch that comes my way, wipe the blood from my brow, my chin, my cheek, and smile. Each scar will make me stronger. Each blow will build me up, and I will never fall again, for I have my Savior before me, beside me, behind me, to forever hold me up.