I’m shifting out of it, now. The fear has dissipated. The frustration has ebbed. My desires now stem from wanting to do and be better instead of basic survival. I’m glad.
I keep trying to do this life in absolutes. I keep trying to find the fix, the solution, the end to the fear. I keep thinking I’ve learned the lesson. Silly me. Life is cyclical. It’s up and down and backwards and forwards and sideways and up and down again. Every single time I think, “Oh, I’ve figured this out! I’ve got this, now!” life shows me how ridiculous I am. Pride doesn’t get to ride this ride. Whenever it does, it throws me off course and I crash.
I’m ready to listen again. I’m ready to see that I have to employ self-discipline and do things I don’t want to do. I despise schedules. They grate against something in me that doesn’t want to be controlled. I like going with the flow and doing what feels right. That’s okay sometimes. But I need schedules and organization as well. My kids need it, too. We need daily routine and goal-setting and order. School is starting up soon and that will help a lot. We’ll be forced into schedules then.
But I need to make sure I take time for self-care and those daily things that I am not forced to do out of obligation to others. I need to realize that self-care is an obligation to myself. I am as important as anyone else and need to be so in my own eyes. I’m getting there.
My prayer and meditation are as important as my lesson planning. My exercise is as important as the kids’ homework. Doing the things I enjoy is as important as the kids’ extracurricular activities. It’s more important to show my children that I am important to me than it is to sacrifice my own well-being for them or anyone else. They need me to show them how to care for themselves, because sometimes in life they will have responsibilities and struggles and obligations that will try to overwhelm them and pull them to pieces and they must be able to say “No” and “Stop” and “I am Important, too!”
They have to learn those things somehow and who else will teach them? I have to relearn it every day. Sometimes one thing will work, sometimes another thing will work. Sometimes I’ll have energy for all of it, and sometimes I’ll have to pick and choose, and some days I might not get out of bed. But I know I will always do my best. I know I will always keep trying. I know I will never give up.
I don’t like schedules and I suck at self-care and my pride and other weaknesses frequently throw me off course. But I’m learning every day. I’m getting stronger and wiser and more powerful ever day. I’m getting more courageous and more capable. I am rising. I am soaring. Each time I fall, I’m so high up that hitting the ground hurts that much more. But I’ll soar again higher than before. That is who I am. With all my weaknesses and all my imperfections, I am someone who never gives up. That is what my children have as an example and that is what I will never stop showing them how to do. Keep going. Keep trying. Keep climbing. Keep soaring.
I will look back on this, I already look at all of this and say, “Look at me. Look at my weaknesses and struggles and imperfections. Look at all those things in the way to hold me back and look at what I did anyway. Look at all that I accomplished in that imperfect sphere. Look at how I got up every time I got knocked down. Look at how I never stopped trying. Though earth and hell combined against me, I did not give in. I broke over and over again. I made mistakes. I did not feel strong enough to do it anymore. But I never gave up. I turned my eyes upward, gave my heart to Him, turned my burdens over to Him, and then, because I am human, I took it all back again. But I’ll still keep trying, I’ll keep going. I’ll live this cycle and each pass through I’ll grow and learn. I’ll never give up.”
How deeply I live this life. Oh, how this mortal experience is not wasted on me.
Exceptional people don’t just happen.
I’m stretching my wings again, and they’re more powerful than ever.
I choose to soar.