Today, I really need to grade papers. Today, I really need to clean my house. Today, I really need to get my son to school. Today, I really need to have had a good night’s sleep. Today, none of those things will happen because today, we are traumatized. Today, my brain is fried, my emotions are frazzled, my tears are near the surface, and I am weary of this life. It was bound to happen again. He is still in our lives, so he will continue attempting to destroy. It is all he knows.
But it’s still okay. Well, maybe not okay, but I still won’t give up. I need to grade papers, but I’ll blog instead, because that’s all I can do–today. I need to clean my house, but I will not because I’m taking the kids and myself to counseling. My son needs to be in school, but I will let him come to school with me because the idea of dealing with school for him today makes him literally pull his hair out of his head. I need to sleep well, but anxiety may prevent that from happening again tonight. We’ll see.
Bad days are bound to happen. This life is cyclical, the ex’s episodes are cyclical, our ability to cope with things is cyclical. Denying that and expecting too much of us is only detrimental. It would almost be easier if he was always on the attack. If he was always there, we wouldn’t think we could relax. We wouldn’t think we could lower our defenses. We wouldn’t think things might be getting better and have expectations or entertain that fickle mistress called hope.
But we can’t help it. We are optimistic, hopeful people. Well, I am, and I try to teach that to my children.
Today is a bad day. I cried a lot. I cried in my boss’s office. I cried to the deputy on the phone. I cried all morning long. Crying is a good thing. A cleansing thing. But then I stopped crying. I wiped my eyes. I got back to work and did the bare minimum because today, that was my best. I helped my kids to cry last night. After we cried, we laughed together. Laughing is also a good thing. We are feeling, we are being, we are living. Today is a bad day, but bad days end and good ones begin. I do not like today, but I accept it and work through it and keep entertaining hope. She is still my friend.