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Inevitable

The universe has a way of keeping things in balance. I’ve learned this and life tends to make sure I never forget it. I had a few weeks of calm, of peace, so of course, in come the storms, both literal and figurative. Tropical storms, earthquakes, fires, wars and rumors of wars leaving such destruction. My dear friend finding out she has stage three cancer. My student in the hospital with a life-threatening illness. My ex having another episode, blaming me for his problems, and taking me to court again. So many in such conflict politically, emotionally, physically. Chaos. Utter chaos.

Yesterday, I trembled with the weight of it. I literally trembled, my body convulsing with the battle that raged within me. My old instincts tell me to break and run and be afraid. My new instincts know I have all the powers and nothing to fear. Of course this comes, now. I was in the eye of the storm for a while. The winds buffeted me a little bit, but I laughed at them because they had no power. Now, I’m in the midst of the eyewall and am being rocked to my core. I knew it was coming and I was prepared, but it’s still strong.

The thing is, now, I am stronger.

I see the adversary. I look him straight in the eye and I am not afraid. I feel the storm and sometimes it knocks me down and takes my breath away, but I have the choice to get back up every single time.

“We’ll live happy and healthy lives in spite of him. That is what I choose and what will be. He gets no more power to upset or poison me,” is what I told one friend today.

Last night, I told another friend with whom I am unafraid to share my crazy, “Sometimes, I feel bigger than this world. I feel like I’ve reached my event horizon, gone super nova. I feel like bursting at an atomic level, my energy reaching boundlessly, a force destructive to anything in its path, but also brightly encompassing those I want to protect. Today, I physically shook with the force of it. The power of my will, my desires aligning with what must be for the sake of my children and my sanity. I will triumph. I will protect. I will not be silenced. I will speak and teach and be an unstoppable force–a voice for those who go unheard. I must do this for if I do not, there will only be destruction without creation. There must be balance. Good must triumph. truth must prevail and be heard. I will speak truth. I will be truth.”

These are the spaces I occupy, now, whenever I hit the eyewall. No more breaking, no more running, no more fear.

But I am still human. I have my limits, and when I have a massive trigger, I have to take time to process, recenter, and find my balance again. I have down days. I need to talk to people and rejuvenate my energy. I have to find new methods when the old ones aren’t working. It’s all part of things. Good days and bad days always balance out. I’m still excited for the light that will balance the dark, for the happy that will balance the pain. It’s coming. Until then and after that, I have work to do.

One of the things that helps the most is recognizing my progress. I have come so far and healed so much. While things still throw me off-balance sometimes, I know I’ll get back again.

I also seek understanding. I refrain from asking “Why?” but I do seek understanding the now. Seeking to truly understand the situation and the people involved, having a realistic but optimistic perspective gives me hope and patience and forgiveness. I also seek more understanding of myself.

Metaphors are cool. They help me understand life. Comparing myself to natural forces, using nature as a lens through which to view my trials. It helps me process and understand.

My favorite metaphor is light. Read the Doctrine and Covenants. There is a lot about light there. About how we are made of light and truth and intelligence. How the Savior is in and through it all and how we are all connected with our creator and the world on all the levels. Choose the light, be the light, I am light. I choose to inhabit the light. Mists of darkness may encompass me, but I shall be a beacon of light and the darkness will not penetrate my boundaries. So much to feast on there. I shall eat and be filled.

And keep going, unafraid.

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