I’m experiencing a perspective shift. A new phase is beginning for me. After the ex’s latest attack, after my latest trigger, I made some decisions. I shall no longer fear him. I shall no longer see him as a monster. I’ve wanted this perspective shift for some time, now. I’ve been working toward it, conscientiously striving to forgive and be realistic in my perceptions of who and what he truly is. I do not minimize his problems or make excuses for him. He is still mentally ill, but I can finally truly see that he has only the power that I give to him.
I also see that my children are more powerful in the wisdom and insight they’ve gained. They are strong enough to handle him. I still wish they didn’t have to be. I still wish my children had a healthy father who could be a safe, reliable space, but wishing for things does not make them real. Instead of wishing for what is not, I shall use the power of what is. Now, I shall encourage my children to be an example and a light. I shall encourage them to love and to serve and to be kind and patient but also firm in maintaining their boundaries. I shall continue to let them know they have angels round about them to protect them from any harm. I shall teach them what I have learned: that they have control over how they react and how they feel. I shall remind them what is healthy and what is truth and that they get to decide what that means for themselves. I shall teach them these things by my words and by my actions.
This perspective shift comes as a result of healing, yes, but also of desire. I want to have energy to serve others. I want to be emotionally balanced enough to be an anchor for someone else as well. If I am afraid, if I am faltering, if I am full of darkness, I cannot be a light. Fearing and doubting poison the light; therefore, I will conscientiously cleanse the negativity from myself whenever it comes.
I’m tired of worrying and wondering and fearing his or others’ reactions. I’m tired of waiting for the next phase of his cycle which will inevitably come. I am moving forward and making a new, beautiful life for myself and my children. Changes are coming, because life never stands still, but whatever happens, I will face it with courage.
I must also face the reality that anxiety and triggers will roll around occasionally, but I will remember that I always have a choice. Even today, I felt the waves of insecurity, the pulses of confusion and the whispers that I am not strong enough to do this. I greeted the anxiety, validated it and sought to understand its source. Then I immersed myself in the words of the prophets, surrounded myself with people I love, and I asked God to help me overcome it. I understand that anxiety is likely a recurring fixture that will make its rounds in my psyche. But it is not a permanent guest, only a reminder to shine my light, to continue fighting my way forward regardless of anything or anyone that tries to thwart my progression.
I do not hate. I do not fear. I will love and see others through the Savior’s eyes. I will maintain boundaries but also have charity. I will be kind and patient but also not be a door mat. I will remind myself of all these things over and over again so I can have enough to share with others.
I’m nearly there. I’m finally ready.
It’s time to truly choose the light.