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All the Things

High anxiety day today. Lots to do like always. Lots to think about like always. Spinning, though. Spinny spinny spinning.

The whys:

My Rogue streak might be cancer. Wish I knew for sure. Doctor appointment pending. I don’t think it is, but my nurse friend said I should get it looked at. Why has no one else said anything until now? I found out it’s a condition called poliosis and can be caused by a variety of things, most of which are benign, but one of the causes is cancer. I’m trying not to worry. Can’t do anything about it right now, right? But it’s in my brain, now. Literally, maybe.

I’m poor. Dirt poor. I’m working so hard to cut expenses, but I can’t make it through a month without incurring at least a teeny bit of debt, even with help with all kinds of things. I owe money for faculty dues, school fees for my daughter, my son wants to do the drama play this year. It’s only twenty-five dollars. Twenty-five dollars might as well be a thousand dollars when you don’t have it. They need Halloween costumes. They need lunch money. All the things cost all the money. I feel like a failure that I can’t provide for my family. I work so hard and still fail. My best right now is to fail.

The ex is back. He’s communicating again. He’s being nice, but who knows how long that will last? It was such a lovely break for a few weeks. I want him to stay away forever. I’m not afraid of him, but I still want him to stay away forever.

I’m in charge of all the things at work. By myself. I even say no to things and still have too much. I need to ask for help, but no one else has time, either. So much to grade. So much to plan. The club activities, the academic activities. I work so hard. I do my best. What else can I cut out? Anything else and I let people down. I let students down. I fail some more.

I like a guy. A lot. Too much. He doesn’t reciprocate the same levels of energy. I need to forget him. I want to keep him. I’m an idiot. He says “I like your brain” when I tell him my crazy. He doesn’t think about me unless I remind him to. I need more than that. I still want to keep him. He took me to the temple. That’s what I want. Why can’t I keep him? Because I deserve better, to be adored, to be thought of, says my brain. We look so good together, in white, says my heart.

Life is big. My universe wings are crumpling…they’re going to crack…

I need to work out
To cry
To breathe
Center and breathe
Be present, be now.


What to do:
Focus on now. This is a test. I know the tools. Use them.

Today: work out, organize my home life, get one project done, feel accomplished
Rogue streak solution: Pray, get doctor appointment
Poor solution: Pray, post items on the yard sale page
Ex solution: Pray, give him away
Work solution: Pray, prioritize, check off one at a time. Look at nothing else but the next thing on the list.
Guy solution: Pray. Give him away, too. What is supposed to happen will happen. You can have what you want, or you can have something better.

Pray, cry, breathe, repeat.
Slow the spinning.
Stretch, Reach, Dance, Sing,

Write, Write, Write,


P.S. I did go to the doctor for my poliosis. It’s benign. 🙂

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