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I have completely fallen off the self-care wagon. Why is it so difficult for me to take care of me? I love myself, I truly do. I accept myself wholly and completely, the good, bad, light, dark, beautiful, broken, all of my pieces. I love me. Why can’t my actions reflect that? It’s an actual, deep kind of syndrome I currently have. I need to heal it.

I thought I was doing really well. I’ve been going to activities and playing hard. The guilt is still there, that I “should” be spending more time with my kids or “should” be cleaning my house or blah blah blah. But I brush it aside and truly enjoy myself. But then the weekend ends and I still haven’t worked out for a month and I still take the time to do the “make sure” things for others, but not for me.

I’ve been sick all week. Like bad sick. I have a hacking, debilitating cough that literally brings me to my knees. All week, at night, I make sure to slather the kids in essential oils to help their immune systems so they don’t catch it. I sit down to put the oils on myself, too. I mean to do it every night. I already have the oils out, they’re sitting there, even with the lids off, waiting. I forget. I forget to put the oils on myself, every night.

Every morning, I have made sure the kids have a fruit with their breakfast, an after-school snack that includes veggies, I’ve made sure they have a good helping of dinner (which my sweet neighbor has provided for the last three nights, bless her). Then, I force myself to eat. It really is forcing. I know I won’t get better without fuel. My body needs fluids, needs vitamins, needs energy. But it feels really unnatural, almost wrong. It’s 2:34 pm. I haven’t eaten anything yet today. I don’t like drinking the juice and eating the food. Seriously, I have a problem.

I finally broke down and went to the doctor yesterday after six days of this craziness. I got some medicine around noon. The doctor said it should start to alleviate my symptoms fairly quickly once I took it. I didn’t take the medicine for four hours. Because no reason. I just didn’t think about it.

This is ridiculous. Time to fix some more things. Time to dig in again and slough out my insides. Still have some layers of something there that need to be examined and rerouted. At least I’m aware. Now to fix it. Time to act on what I know in my head, that filling my own bucket allows me to better be there for others.

I saw this video online the other day and feel like there’s so much truth to it. I’m going to work on being “self-full.” “My cup runneth over. What comes out of the cup is for y’all. What’s inside is mine.”

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